You’ve met her. She’s chill. She’s cool with anything. She doesn’t get mad when plans change at the last minute, she laughs off minor (and major) inconveniences and prides herself on being effortlessly low-maintenance— but what happens when being chill actually means suppressing how you really feel?

If you’ve ever found yourself nodding along to plans you’re secretly dreading, you’re not alone. The pressure to be a “Chill Girl” or “Chill Guy”—especially in new social circles—often comes at the cost of your own preferences or feelings. This pursuit of nonchalance might seem harmless, but over time the weight of unspoken needs can trap you in a cycle where speaking up feels impossible. You’re too scared to shatter that cool, low-maintenance image others have of you.

When your relaxed attitude is just a performance and you’re suppressing your actual needs and emotions to avoid conflict, it can fuel underlying anxiety. On the surface you seem fine, but underneath, you’re anxious and uncomfortable. The “Chill Girl” meme pokes fun at this exhausting charade, but the reality is that constantly pretending to be easygoing can be detrimental to your mental health. So why do you feel so much pressure to act this way? 

Keep reading: Beyond the Blush: Your Toolkit for Coping with Social Anxiety

Why Do You Pretend To Be Easygoing? 

At its core being “chill” when you’re really not is just another form of people-pleasing—a behavior rooted in wanting to be liked, avoiding conflict or fearing rejection. It’s not just about going along with your friend’s plans for the weekend or pretending not to care when they “forget” to pay you back. It’s about minimizing your own discomfort by prioritizing other’s happiness, even if it’s at your expense. 

Here are some common reasons why: 

• Fear of confrontation – Speaking up can feel scary, so you smooth things over instead. 
• Poor self-esteem – You feel awful when you don’t get the approval of others and believe being easy going will make others like you more. 
• Avoiding discomfort – You dislike awkward situations and would rather suppress your feelings, even if you resent doing so. 
• Past experiences – You grew up in an environment where expressing your needs wasn’t encouraged or didn’t seem safe. 

In some situations, you may feel inclined to put others first, but constantly bottling up our emotions can create pressure. Over time, this can lead to chronic stress, resentment and anxiety. The mental load of constantly monitoring how you present yourself to others can be exhausting and debilitating. If this sounds familiar, you might be engaging in people-pleasing without even realizing it.

Keep Reading: Sorry, Not Sorry: Why You’re Over-Apologizing & 6 Tips To Quit

6 Signs You Might Be A People-Pleaser

A people pleaser prioritizes others’ happiness for approval or validation in their relationships. When you sacrifice your own satisfaction, your relationships become limited and may feel less authentic.

Some common behaviors are:

• You struggle to say ‘no’ and often agree to things you don’t want to do. 
• You worry about how others perceive you and fear being seen as selfish. 
• You want people to like you and feel like being “chill” will earn their approval.
• You apologize constantly, even when it’s unnecessary. 
• You pretend to agree with someone even when you don’t. 
• You feel anxious after social interactions and ruminate on what you said or did. 

Although these behaviors can make you feel safe and accepted, it can ultimately make you feel resentment towards your loved ones and negatively impact your self-esteem. But you don’t have to choose between being liked and being true to yourself. 

Keep reading: How Rejection Sensitivity Is Disillusioned By Cognitive Restructuring

5 Ways To Stop People-Pleasing Without Feeling Guilty 

Being honest about what you want doesn’t make you less cool—it makes you more you. There are ways you can still set boundaries and keep your chill, laid-back vibe— here’s how: 

Practice The Art Of The “Cool” No 

Start small and work your way up. Try saying, “I’ll pass this time!” or “Thank you for thinking of me, but it’s not my thing.” There’s many ways to say no without feeling like you’re rejecting someone. 

Pause Before Agreeing To Things

Ask for a little time before saying yes. By giving yourself a moment to reflect, you can better decide if you actually want to say yes. 

Tune Into Your Emotions 

Rather than worrying about how others might feel, be mindful of what you’re feeling. Are you feeling any resentment or exhaustion after saying yes? These may be a sign you’re saying yes when you really mean no. 

Set Boundaries With Confidence 

A relaxed “I can’t swing that” or “That doesn’t work for me” is all you need to start setting your boundaries. But if setting boundaries makes you anxious, remember: short-term discomfort is worth your long-term well-being.

Redefine What It Means To Be “Chill” 

True chill isn’t about never having needs; it’s about being comfortable expressing them without fear. When you cultivate relationships where your needs are respected and heard, life can feel much more rewarding. 

Unlearning people-pleasing takes time, especially when it’s been your default mode for years. If you find yourself overwhelmed by anxiety and constantly overanalyzing interactions, therapy can be an invaluable tool for untangling these negative patterns and building healthier ones. Consider talking to a therapist who can help you manage the underlying anxiety and discomfort in your relationships.

At Austin Anxiety and Trauma Specialists, our therapists can help you build up your confidence and advocate for your needs. Book your free consultation today to rediscover the balance between being chill and being true to yourself. You don’t need to do it alone. We can help.