Have you ever apologized when someone bumped into you? How about to a table you kicked, a nurse bandaging you up, or a waiter who brought you the wrong order? Clearly, none of these are sins, yet some of us feel the urge to repent when:
- Asking for help
- Saying “no”
- Showing excitement or sadness
- Being ourselves
- Existing
If you say “I’m sorry” compulsively, or when you don’t need to, you might have a tendency to over-apologize. And there could be deeper reasons why.
Why we over-apologize
So why do we say sorry for the littlest things, even when we know we’re not at fault? Here are a few reasons you might be over-apologetic:
Trauma
If even the simplest mistakes led to screaming matches in past relationships with partners or parents, we don’t blame you for wanting to prevent rising tempers with hasty apologies. Even after leaving abusive households or relationships, it’s natural to carry unhealthy coping mechanisms with you, such as quick apologies so no one will get mad at you.
Read: 10 Signs You’re Living with Unresolved Trauma & How to Evict It
Self-esteem
Traumatic experiences can impact our self-esteem, making us doubt our own judgment and actions. You could be quick to take fault for wrongs you didn’t commit or feel ashamed when asking for help and asserting your needs. Your past may have made you feel like a burden to others or invalidated your needs. But that couldn’t be farther from the truth.
Sense of worth
We all want to be liked. But “people pleasers” prioritize others’ needs so often that their own can be neglected. You may have been praised for self-sacrificial actions as a child, or rewarded in relationships for valuing your partner’s needs over your own. You learned that being humble is good, which may mean you crave the perceived reward of being liked by apologizing.
Empathy
Is others’ pain your pain? If you’re deeply in tune with your loved ones’ feelings, you may be more likely to over-apologize because you don’t want to offend or hurt anyone.
When it comes to what qualifies as deserving an apology, women are especially empathetic. A study found that women apologized more frequently than men, though they also reported more of their own offenses. In the follow-up study, women rated various offenses as more severe than men did. It is possible that women (and frequent apology users) do so due to a stronger sense of empathy.
Anxiety
Anxious minds tend to overanalyze any given situation and make something out of nothing. In a blog post titled, “Anxiety Makes Me Want to Apologize for Absolutely Everything,” author Kirsten Corley writes, “Anxiety makes me feel guilty for being myself because I constantly wonder if people are going to take something I’ve said or done the wrong way.” We conjure up guilt from worrying over whether or not we’ve offended someone, compelling us to apologize and apologize and apologize.
Be Unapologetic
You don’t have to quit apologizing altogether. Being able to admit fault is a valuable trait that doesn’t come easy for everyone. But chances are—if you’ve read this far, you may be apologizing way more than you need to. And it’s getting exhausting. Here are 6 tips to help curtail those extra sorries:
Validate your existence
No matter why you’re trigger-happy with apologies, you’re teaching yourself, “Their experience matters more than mine.” We hope you know this is completely false. You and your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s. Recognizing your value is a process that may require a little extra time to heal (and possibly professional help).
Replace self-defeating thoughts
There are likely lies swimming around in your head and weighing down your self-esteem. To identify them, try familiarizing yourself with common cognitive distortions so you can transform negative beliefs into positive ones.
Prepare for triggers
What makes you want to apologize? Jot down at least five instances. Then, write something polite you could say instead without blaming yourself. Here are a few examples to get you started:
- When you didn’t hear them ➡ “Could you please repeat that? I didn’t hear you.”
- When you need clarification ➡ “Could you help me understand this better, maybe with an example?”
- When you bump into someone ➡ “Oops, excuse me.”
- When someone inconveniences themselves to do you a favor ➡ “I’m so grateful for you, you’re amazing!”
- When expressing compassion ➡ “That’s so awful that happened to you.”
- When asking for someone’s attention ➡ “Excuse me, could you help me?
Pause before apologizing
Pausing before apologizing may take some practice, so try to be patient with yourself. Good habits take time to form—an average of 66 days, in fact. Pause when you do remember and ask: Have I actually done anything wrong here? If not, use one of the blameless statements you prepared in the previous step.
Take a break
If you’ve exhausted your apologies for one day and are starting to feel low, find a quiet space to ground and affirm yourself.
Tell yourself, “I’m deserving of (love, your needs, or your wants), and I don’t have to apologize.”
For example, “I’m deserving of affection and I don’t have to apologize.”
Affirmations can be hard when you don’t believe them, but it’s okay to fake it ‘till you make it. Sometimes simply taking a time out will help refocus your efforts as you continue your day.
Read: 8 Ways to Incorporate Mindfulness Into Your Daily Life
Seek therapy
Overaplogizing could be a sign of unresolved trauma, anxiety, or low self-esteem. Untreated, symptoms could worsen and disrupt your life even more than they already have. While these tips may be helpful on your journey to stop over-apologizing, professional treatment is the most effective option. Our therapists at Austin Anxiety and Trauma Specialists offer online counseling to all residents of Texas and in-person sessions at our Austin branch. Book a session with us today and we’ll match you with a therapist who can best help you meet your needs, unapologetically.
