Supporting Loved Ones: Listen Like a Therapist

Do you have a friend or loved one with anxiety, depression, or another mental health condition? When they open up to you, do you know how to respond? If you want to have helpful conversations with someone you care about who’s going through a tough time, keep reading.

The 5-Step Conversation

With the right guidance, you are fully capable of navigating conversations about your friend’s emotional and mental well-being. We’ve identified five key steps that will help you provide support for those who matter most to you.

Step 1: Prepare yourself

Preparing yourself is all about learning. You’re reading this now because you want to learn how to support your friend—that already makes you a great ally! Next, read up on your friend’s condition or watch a YouTube video of someone’s experiences with the same condition. 

You can also prepare by learning what word choice helps and hurts:

Step 2: Make sure you’re in a good headspace

You can’t pour from an empty cup. If the chance to have a heart-to-heart emerges, do a quick self-check. 

Ask yourself: 

• Am I in the right headspace to genuinely listen? 
• Can I give as much time as this needs? 
• Am I ready to talk about these topics?

You and your friend may both benefit from swapping experiences, but there’s also a chance of bringing up triggering topics. If you have experienced trauma, practicing self-care strategies and regularly visiting a therapist can help build and maintain a healthy headspace. Once you’re ready, it’s time for the talk.

Step 3: Listen like a therapist

Some people are willing to share what they’re going through without being asked. That’s great! Others might need a little more prompting. Try a gentle observation and an open-ended question like, “You seem a little down lately. What’s on your mind?” 

Some might be closed-off. Don’t push a chat if they’re not comfortable. Suggest they text or call later when they’re ready, or ask if there’s someone they would feel comfortable talking to.

When your loved ones do open up to you, use these three tips to listen like a therapist recommended by Psychologist Ali M. Mattu, P.H.D. to make your friend feel heard and cared for.

Reflect back. Listen to what your friend says, follow the sequence, then say it back to clarify. This forces you to be empathetic and listen rather than interrupt. Clarifying also shows you care enough to seek understanding.

Ask what it’s like for them. The famous questions therapists ask in movies, “And how does that make you feel?” can be hard to respond to. Naming our feelings is tricky and often takes time. By asking “What is that like for you?”, you’re allowing the other person to describe their experience. Describing is a building block to the harder task of naming emotions.

Validate. No matter how much we care about the person, it can be hard to show support when we disagree with their actions. Or when we can’t relate to their situation. Our friends date people we don’t think are worthy of them, revert to unhealthy addictions, or make choices we’re tempted to judge. But there is no room for judgment here! 

Here’s a big not-so secret: You can still validate their feelings without approving of or supporting the behavior. Validating someone means showing you recognize where they’re coming from. Try saying, “It makes sense that you’re feeling _____ because _____ happened to you.” 

Step 4: Encourage action

When it comes to mental health issues, there are likely underlying issues that can be addressed by a professional for effective results. For now, reflect back on what does work for them. What you can do is ask:

• “Have you felt this way before? What’s been helpful for you to manage in the past?”
• “What’s something relaxing you can do right now?”
• “Would you like a ride to your next appointment?”
• “How’s therapy been helping you?”

If someone has been feeling exceptionally down for more than two weeks, it may be time to suggest therapy. Sentences that start with “you” or use too many often feel like casting blame. Saying, “Therapy might be helpful,” sounds more supportive than, “You should try therapy.” Sharing positive therapy experiences—whether your own or otherwise—could also spark hope for positive change.

Step 5: Check in with yourself

It’s great to support others, but you need to take care of your mental health too. Listening to someone you care about share their emotions may spring up anxiety. Practice mindfulness and observe your own emotions after an intimate conversation. Don’t ignore what comes up and take time to explore why you feel the way you do. Are you worried about your loved one? Or are you reminded of your own past trauma? 

Talk with your own therapist about what emotions may have emerged. Your mental health is just as important as your friend’s. 

What comes next?

Check in after a few days or a week, depending on how serious the situation. Tell your loved one you’ve been thinking about them and ask how they’ve been managing. Have they made an appointment with a therapist yet? Offering to send resources or a ride to the first appointment are great ways to encourage positive action.Haven’t tried therapy yourself? The great thing about therapy is, you don’t have to have a mental health condition to go! Therapy benefits people with mental conditions and those who just want someone to talk to. Schedule your first session with us at Austin Anxiety and Trauma Specialists and we’ll match you or your friend to a therapist who can best support your needs. We are here for you.