Is it better to regulate negative thoughts or allow yourself to feel your feelings?
¿Por qué no los dos? Sometimes we mistakenly teach ourselves to “regulate” negative emotions by ignoring them. Yet suppressing difficult thoughts won’t eliminate them; it only shifts them to the back burner, where they gradually burn as you forget about them. Then the fire alarm goes off and you have a serious problem on your hands.
Emotions are valid, human expressions that deserve to be felt. It is possible to feel your feelings while also regulating them. The first step is to learn the functions of emotional regulation:
What is emotional regulation?
Regulating emotions refers to the ability to identify, control, and generate emotions. Natural regulation down-regulates “negative” emotions like feelings of anger, anxiety, or sadness when appropriate time has passed. When “positive” emotions are needed like romance, motivation, excitement, or simple joys, we up-regulate our emotions. But some people may get stuck in one state for too long or feel like they’re on an emotional roller coaster, jolting from emotional highs to lows.
Signs of dysregulation
Acknowledging and adapting our feelings can be exhausting. When you’re tired after a long day at work, you might be more irritable and snap at your partner over something small. It’s normal to have outbursts every now and then, especially in times of high stress or crisis.
But a person whose mood is dysregulated may experience heightened emotions, sometimes so intense they can cause physical discomfort.
Here are some key signs of emotional dysregulation:
- Reacting disproportionately to the severity of the situation
- Overwhelming or crippling emotions
- Tendency to overthink and ruminate
- Difficulty self-soothing and calming down
- Mood swings
- Outbursts of frustration or anger
- Avoiding difficult emotions, sometimes causing substance abuse
- Impulsive and sometimes self-harmful behavior
- Impaired ability to manage stressful situations
Who is likely to have difficulty regulating emotions?
Anyone can struggle to cope with difficult emotions, but some are more likely than others. An adult whose needs were not met as a child may have a stunted ability to regulate or a person going through a period of high stress may temporarily struggle with emotional regulation.
Emotional dysregulation is also commonly associated with these disorders:
- Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD): Irritability and agitation are common symptoms of PTSD. When triggered, a person with PTSD may experience heightened emotions that are difficult to soothe.
- Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): A brain with ADHD’s overactive amygdala triggers stronger emotional responses and the underactive prefrontal cortex doesn’t regulate these reactions like it should.
- Bipolar disorder (BD): People with BD can experience heightened manic episodes and low, depressive episodes, making them feel like they can’t control their emotions.
- Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD): Moderating feelings to match social norms may be difficult for some people on the autistic spectrum.
- Disruptive Mood Dysregulation Disorder (DMDD): Children with DMDD experience frequent, extreme outbursts of anger, irritability, and frustration developmentally inappropriate for their age.
- Generalized Anxiety and Depression: People with anxiety or depression face a regular onslaught of negative thoughts. Feelings of hopelessness or despair can be overwhelming and seem impossible to escape.
Emotional dysregulation can harm your career, relationships, sense of self-worth, and quality of life. Treatment from a therapist can be effective for people with or without mental disorders, but you can learn how to cope with intense emotions starting today.
Read: Am I Having An Anxiety Attack?
4 Steps to Feel AND Regulate your Emotions
When we incorrectly self-regulate, we tell ourselves “don’t think that way” or “you’re too pessimistic, think positive thoughts.” Suppressing our feelings doesn’t make them go away and often just allows time to worsen.
When a rush of emotions hits, remove yourself from the triggering situation. We can’t all just leave work in the middle of the day, but a moment alone or a walk can help deescalate. Then use these four steps to safely feel your feelings without allowing them to control you:
Step 1: Identify the emotion.
We know it doesn’t feel natural to stop and observe your feelings when you’re overwhelmed. So start with your body: What sensations do you notice? Where are you feeling your emotions? Your throat, your chest, your shoulders? When you’re ready, recall what triggered this response. Name how it made you feel.
Step 2: Validate your feelings.
Tell yourself, “I’m feeling ___, and that’s okay.” You are allowed to feel afraid of the future. You are allowed to feel hurt or unworthy. It might feel strange to allow in negative thoughts, but resist judging the feeling or trying to fix it immediately. Remember that feeling something doesn’t make it a fact, but it’s a fact that you feel what you feel. Be compassionate with yourself as you name your feelings, no matter how unpretty or dark they seem.
Step 3: Assess your emotions.
Emotions are pretty useful tools we humans have to express our innate needs and desires. Babies cry when they’re hungry and dogs bark when threatened. What are your emotions trying to communicate to you? What do those tears mean? Mindful journaling can be a helpful tool to explore what your body’s trying to tell you if your inner monologue is on the silent side.
Step 4: Express yourself!
Chances are, you’re not done feeling what you’re feeling. And that’s okay! But a choice is ahead of you. Here, many fall into destructive patterns to numb unwanted thoughts. Instead, channel negative energy into healthy processing outlets. Have a good cry with a trustworthy friend in your support system or mindfully express yourself through journaling, painting, exercising, or even screaming the lyrics to a Linkin Park song.
Tips to maintain healthy emotional regulation
It’s a lot easier to cope with intense emotions when we’re prepared with heathy habits and coping tools:
- Know when to take a rain check on processing. It’s okay to give yourself time to sit with your feelings before unpacking them.
- Regularly practicing mindfulness can help prepare you to to recognize, name, and validate your feelings.
- Learn to recognize common cognitive distortions, false beliefs that can trigger overreactions.
- Allow yourself non-destructive, temporary distractions that allow for time to process, instead of turning to coping mechanisms that numb emotions.
- Practice these tips and don’t give up!
- Therapy! Controlling emotions can be especially difficult for people with mental disorders. Professional help may be right for you.
A therapist can determine the best treatment plan and practical coping tools for you based on your individual needs. Just like a physical therapist designs and assists in exercises to build up weakened muscles, a mental health professional can also help you exercise emotional regulation.
We at Austin Anxiety and Trauma Specialists offer online counseling to all residents of Texas and in-person sessions at our Austin branch. Book a session with us today and we’ll match you to a therapist who can help you start reclaiming control of your life.
