A Love Letter to People-Pleasers
You might not be sure if this is for you. Or maybe you’re very aware of it. Maybe you recognize the tell-tale signs of self-sacrifice within yourself and are tired and overwhelmed from all the effort it takes to keep the people in your life (and even strangers) happy.
You’re not alone. About half (49%) of American adults identify as people-pleasers and nearly just as many (47%) say other people would describe them as one. Women are also more likely (56%) than men (42%) to exhibit people-pleasing traits.
Though it’s a pretty common trait, there seems to still be a lot of associated shame and stigma. You may have been called a “pushover” or a “yes man,” or maybe told you worry too much. Maybe you’ve been taken advantage of for your agreeability.
It doesn’t have to be like that. We’re going to break down what a people-pleaser is, the negative impact it can leave on mental health, common root causes, and critical steps to take to get better.
What is a people-pleaser?
A people-pleaser is someone who chronically puts others’ needs before their own, often at their own expense. They are often hypervigilant about making people happy and avoid causing inconvenience or conflict. People with this sociotropic trait place excessive value on their social worth and often struggle with:
- Low self-esteem
- Social anxiety
- Codependency
- Borderline personality disorder (BPD)
- Depression
- Sensory-Processing Sensitivity (SPS)
Qualities of people-pleasers
Sociotropic tendencies are often seemingly well-intended, admirable, and altruistic. We’ll start with some of the positive qualities that you may recognize in yourself:
- You are thoughtful, caring, and respectful.
- You are highly empathetic of others’ experiences.
- You want to bring joy to others and see them happy.
- You desire harmony in your family and relationships.
- You want others to view as highly as you show them you do.
Is it bad to be a people-pleaser?
There is nothing “bad” about you. But being overly agreeable and concerned about others’ needs can have a negative impact on your mental health and sense of self-worth. You’re so busy looking out for others that you skip over respecting your own boundaries, taking care of your own needs, and accepting yourself for who you are.
As you try to keep the peace and accommodate everyone’s needs, you might also—
- struggle setting and maintaining boundaries
- fear saying “no”
- outwardly agree even if you really disagree
- frequently do things you don’t want to do
- apologize when there’s nothing to be sorry for
- refrain from asserting your own needs or opinions
- accept blame and feel guilty even when you’ve done nothing wrong
- struggle with low self-esteem
- crave validation and approval from others
- avoid conflict at all costs
- stress over what people think of you
- experience anxiety or depressive symptoms
Read: Sorry, Not Sorry: Why You’re Over-Apologizing and 6 Tips to Quit
What are the causes of people-pleasing?
You may show extraordinary kindness towards others due to strong altruistic values. While selfless motivation is entirely possible, there are other possible underlying factors for self-sacrificial behavior.
Trauma. If upsetting a parent as a child or a partner in the past led to harsh consequences, people-pleasing tendencies could develop as a coping mechanism to avoid conflict and feel secure.
Cognitive distortions. Past events or family dynamics may have taught that pleasing behavior is a condition for acceptance or love. This harmful thinking pattern called cognitive distortion may cause people-pleasing tendencies to form in order to earn a sense of worth.
Low self-esteem. People who struggle with confidence may look outward for validation by doing things that make others feel good to gain acceptance.
How to stop being a people-pleaser
Now don’t get us wrong—You don’t have to swear off kindness and turn into an arch villain. But you can learn how to support others without sacrificing your own needs. Here are key steps you can take:
Set and maintain boundaries. How can you start saying no if you don’t know how much is too much? Start by determining your limits when it comes to the areas you feel overwhelmed in, whether that’s work, family, relationships, money, sex, friends, or time. Then, clearly communicate when you’re asked to do something outside your boundaries.
Pause. Research shows that a short pause before decision-making leads to better accuracy. When invited to an event or asked for a favor or opinion, say you need a moment (or even a week) to think. Give yourself time to assess whether saying yes will stress you out, if you’ll have time or energy, and if you even want to do it at all.
Discover yourself. You’ve spent a lot of time focused on what other people need. How about what you need? Spend some time journaling or introspecting what you want out of your relationships, work, hobbies, and all you typically pour so much of yourself into.
Practice self-care. Now that you know what you need, practice prioritizing taking care of yourself. Set and maintain boundaries that allow yourself to have that time. Want to spend more time painting? Block out some time for it in your calendar and respect your appointment with yourself.
Practice kindness and acceptance with yourself. Look out for negative self-talk along the way of your healing journey. If you notice you’re thinking limiting thoughts about yourself, practice acknowledging and accepting what you’re feeling with compassion. Read this post for more on how to improve the way you think about yourself.
You’re worth the effort it will take to heal.
Dear people-pleaser,
That is not your identity. You are so much more than your desire to please, and it’s time to start valuing yourself the way you value others.
We know quitting is easier said than done. You’re not just quitting a habit—you’re healing. You’re rewiring your belief system, recovering from past trauma, and learning to accept and love yourself.
Healing is a journey. It takes time, patience, and support. But when you hate the idea of inconveniencing others, reaching out to even loved ones for help can feel like the last thing you want to do. You don’t want to bother them, burden them with your troubles, or think less of you. We get it.
But you may be surprised that asking for help has a far more rewarding result than you’d think.
If you’re still afraid to reach out to them, that’s okay. The great thing about therapists is that by nature, they want to help you. You’re not forcing yourself on them, you’re not disrupting their schedule or bumming them out. They’re here for you.
And so are we.
Sincerely,
Austin Anxiety and Trauma Specialists
P.S. If you’re a Texas resident, we would love to help you on your healing journey. Book an appointment and we’ll match you with a therapist who can best meet your needs in online counseling sessions.
